“Three men go into a bar”
“Where was the bar?”
“It isn’t important, but hey, say it’s in London”
“OK. When did it happen?”
“It isn’t important. but lets say last week. They’re an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman”
“How do you know they’re English, Scottish and Irish?”
“It isn’t important, but, if you like, they’re called George, Andrew and Patrick”
“Why?”
“Oh, because those are the patron saints”
“Why are they patron saints?”
“Can we just get back to the story?”
“What story?”
“An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar”
“Where was that, again?”
“Oh, say it’s in York”
“But you said it was in London”
“And I said it wasn’t important!”
“But it’s got to be consistent, otherwise how do I know it happened?”
“Shut up and listen. An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar, and the barman says…”
“But last time it was an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman. Which order were they in?”
“It doesn’t matter. Just let me finish!”
…
“An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar, and the barman says ‘This is a joke, isn’t it?’ ”
“So the bar’s in London and York, and they walk in in two different orders. I don’t think it happened at all. When is it supposed to have happened?”
[exit screaming gently]
I have been discussing the Bible with both fundamentalists and atheists recently, and it feels very much like trying to tell a joke in circumstances where my listener has no conception of what a joke actually is, or why certain elements of what you say aren’t important (it could be a rabbi, a priest and an imam) or that if you tell it both ways, it isn’t actually invalidated because one time it’s an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman and another it’s a rabbi, a priet and an imam (I hear a voice saying “I’ve never heard of a Scottish Imam” ringing in my ears…), or that it really doesn’t have to be actual people or actual events in order to convey a message.
Just to avoid any possible misconceptions, the exchange of comments I started with never actually happened, though I can remember trying to tell a joke to a four year old once, and it felt a bit like that. It’s just there to illustrate a point. And it doesn’t matter whether it did happen or not, the point is still valid (though the joke falls rather flat). But you knew that. Didn’t you?
I begin to wonder, when two substantial and apparently growing groups, including some apparently otherwise agile minds, insist that the one and only way to read the Bible is literally, as history and as science – and on the one hand insist that it can’t possibly be factually incorrect in any respect, on the other insist that as it plainly isn’t good history or good science in some respects and, in fact, is slightly inconsistent, it therefore has no value. I wonder whether there will come a time when the real messages of scripture are lost, because there’s no-one left who can understand them.
There will probably be no jokes, either…